Category Archives: musings

Contrails

Looking up at the sky I see two sets of contrails and two planes, one with contrails, one without. How many planes have passed overhead?

I’m sitting back as the sun sets, a breeze picking up and catching me. The pale sky is empty, the roads silent for now. Looking up I see a white line, finite and fully formed. I start to think I must be in a bubble. As I watch, I notice its slow transit of the sky above me, a sky borne javelin, widening and dropping – propelling forward. Will it fall upon me?

I think of a million different words, myriad ideas about this transient object. I let the ideas dissipate and become, themselves, transient.

 

I have a question, a hypothetical situation.

You are walking through a field, miles from another person, or human contact. You come across a wild bird, a very rare wild bird; the last of its kind. Out here, it has no reason to fear a person. It is friendly and approaches you, resting upon your hand. Do you capture this bird, the last of its kind? Do you show the world what it looked like before it was lost? Or do you let it wander free, back into the wild and never to be seen again, to die free alone and oblivious?

Would you be able to live the rest of your life knowing the memory of that rare bird will die with you?

 

Palm Lines

Big News!

Last week I completed my debut comic, Palm Lines and took it to the printers. It is now for sale over at Folksy until I get my full website online. Anyway, if you are someone who has followed this blog, you’ll know it’s taken a looong time (nearly eight months) and that’s due to all the changes that have been going on in my life and the sheer lack of spare time I’ve had due to my job.

Thankfully, I have learned a lot about the process of making comics and how I work best. I’m currently incorporating all of this into the preparation for my new comic, Lost Art, which will be a fair bit longer and should, story wise, be more accessible.

I have also come to neglect my writing exercises, which are supposed to be the main focus of this blog. So I have made a greater effort this past fortnight to keep them up and make time for them – my writing needs the continual improvement. Heck, I’m not special: everybody’s does.

Bruised

Some people do not like hospitals. Not me.

I’m lying back, eyes closed. The pain in my chest has shifted one step to the left. I can hear fingers tapping away and the morse code scratch, stop scratch of a pencil. Soft feet roam the corridors. My own sounded harsh and authoritarian. That was one of the first things I noticed.

I forgot how quiet hospitals can be.

In less than an hour I’ll fall asleep, pass out nearly from the painkillers and wake up with no sense of time. Where am I? You have to turn off mobiles in here and I left my watch at home, in the pocket of my other trousers. I had been doing the washing up and didn’t want to get it wet.

All the staff in radiography are sweet and short. I feel like an awkward giant, struggling to turn and stand up. She takes me into a large room, with a spotlight and a bed. I don’t have to lie on it. She checks I am me. I’ve recited these details, my age and name and address, over and over. I feel like everyone is getting to know me. I stand in front of a plate and hold onto the bars. There’s a noise. A bang? I can’t remember. Why can’t I remember?

What I do remember is the wires stuck to my chest, clipped to my finger. The tap on my back. The firm fingers. That nurses smile.

At the end he’ll tell me: “You’ll be fine, it’ll be okay.”

One Year Later

On the patio, perching. I’m in my parents back garden, coffee in hand and scrawling in my notebook. I choose the words with care.

Spring is late – a southerly wind gets under my skin. The daffodils are out at least and the pears in blossom.
I have changed so much: I am certain of being a different person. Never before have I felt that way. This way.
I’ve been thinking a lot lately.

Who I am, where I am. Where I’m going.

Lost intimacies.

I think about those a lot.

Friends I have gained and lost; neglected.

Am I more disciplined? I have a better sense of purpose. I know what I need to do.

Push myself.

AllTheGhosts

I knew I had written this down.

This is where I got the name of this blog from. A Haunting.

OLD

I’ve imported all of the material from my old blogger account. Some of it is horrendous, some of it okay.

Click on the categories to see some of it.

Enjoy.

Part One

I’ve been busy. Sort of. I’ve produced an ebook, filled with work taken from this blog and my short story, Apocalypse, published on The Whistling Fire.

It’s nothing fancy and perhaps brief, but I hope you enjoy it. Print it off, pass it on. Spread the word. It would mean a lot to me.

AllTheGhosts Part One

I should mention that I have started to actually use my DeviantArt.

Ooh and hit me up on  Twitter.

Freakangels vs x-men

I drew this for this weeks Whitechapel remake/remodel thread.The brief was to redesign the x-men in the style of Freakangels, a webcomic by Warren Ellis and Paul Duffield.

It was bloody hard and time consuming. Plus, I need some decent software to do colouring (I’m also awful at it). In fact, I wasn’t sure whether to post this at all, as looking back, I’m not happy with it. So it might disappear soon.

Tired

The one in which I seriously consider dropping off the face of the Earth.

I’m tired and I don’t want to go to sleep. I fear putting my head down because there is too much running through my mind. When I close my eyes a question will form in my head, manifest from smoke and mirrors and reflect what I don’t want to see. I’m not happy. I haven’t been, not for a long time. I feel trapped by what I do – I’m sick of it taking over my life. When I come home and still hear those voices, when I realise that it’s going to be another long night; when I barely have the time to look after myself. To stop. To think.

I’m so tired of not being able to do things I love and that I need in my life because they are the things – I believe – that define me. It’s not like I need the money. It is nice – it lets me choose a lifestyle. A lifestyle I don’t need, a lifestyle to make up for not living the life I want. AND that’s the point. I’m young. How am I supposed to know what to do for the rest of my life. What have I done, what have I tried? I still have mistakes to make. I’m not going to remain young, but here I am, embarking on a career I’m not interested in for life.

I haven’t written anything of substance in such a long time. Palm Lines sits in a draw, waiting for the few hours I need to find, that I owe it. Lost Art is at a standstill as it gets replanned over and over and over. I’m starting to forget what it’s about even though this is what it’s about.

I’m just tired. I can’t sleep for the worries my job fills me with. I’m losing sleep over it now. That’s never been good. It’s not healthy. Dawn is a few hours away. That means this is the darkest part of the night. My day feels like it’s ending when it should be beginning. Like my life.

I always thought I was a natural quitter – there are so many things I’ve quit over the years. I was wrong though: I realise now that it was a failure to start, to step beyond the first hurdle. I feel like I’m at a hurdle now. I’m better at sticking it out, at carrying on because I know I should.

I’m tired of that now.

References

I spend a fair amount of time hunting through Tumblr for interesting photographs and then producing ink sketches of them, as a sort of drawing exercise to improve my form. I have a draw packed full. I don’t like to post them because I stupidly forget to save the original source material to reference the artist. If anyone ever recognises an ink sketch I have put up, then feel free to e-mail me with the original photographer/source material  and I will put up a reference.